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  • Jack Turner

AFL | Round Eight | 2022


Kenstradamus: Now 3-5, will Port go 5-5 as Ken predicted?

Okay we missed three weeks, but in my defence I did have Covid, and Port Adelaide kept winning so there was a crisis of sorts.


I am happy to announce that we are back in action for round eight though, and that football has only gotten more confusing since round four.

Port Adelaide (86) vs Western Bulldogs (69)

Some relentlessly mocked Ken Hinkley when he said port would turn around their worst ever start of 0-5 and be 5-5 by Round 10. It's safe to say that I certainly wasn't was absolutely one of them.


Now am I, a Geelong fan, concerned that the fifth game is against Geelong, and that the cruel irony of the universe might come back to haunt me for my mockery? Absolutely not, that's future Jack's problem. What's the fun of hubris if you don't get to enjoy it.


The Bulldogs won the last meeting between these two sides at this venue in what is scientifically referred to as "an absolute pumping," and it seemed as though this one might be headed that way too, as the dogs quickly kicked the first two goals.


However, the fears of Port fans were quickly alleviated, as they were reminded that the Bulldogs don't have a backline, and they went about kicking goals with ease. The one thing the Bulldogs did well was tag Aliir Aliir, however, choosing to take Cordy out of the backline to do it might not have been a wise one.


Fremantle (102) vs North Melbourne (24)

When this game started, it looked like Fremantle might break all sorts of records - a record margin, perhaps North's worst score (since they recently broke that record with a miserly 1.8 against Geelong in 2019), as the Roos went goalless for the first term.


However, the game instead simply became boring, as Fremantle were happy to gain just a small amount of percentage, stopping short of humiliating North and simply embarrassing them instead.


Though there's not too much to be said for that, as North Melbourne are pretty capable of embarrassing themselves at this point.


North ended up avoiding their worst ever score by ten points, and Fremantle didn't get anywhere near their highest score or record win, disappointing literally everyone who watched this game.


As if to sum up just how boring this match was, the few Fremantle fans who went along to this one started doing the Mexican wave as early as the third term, and didn't even bother with the death chant.


Richmond (113) vs Collingwood (86)

Now I'm not sure if you heard about this, because the media certainly hasn't been talking about it, but Dustin Martin is back.


I know, it came as a shock to me too.


Listening to the first quarter of this game on the radio as I drove home to watch the Sydney game instead, I heard his name so often, I assumed he was setting record pace for disposals.


I was shocked to discover that he had only recorded seven touches.


That's not to discount his performance, which was incredibly impressive considering how much football he has missed, and Richmond certainly looked like a better side with him out there recording an impressive 11 score involvements.


The most perplexing thing about this game, however, was Collingwood's plan of trying to stand as far away from Tom Lynch as possible. While I understand he has a history of mild violence, he also has a history of kicking bags of goals.


Yet time and time again Richmond kicked the ball inside 50 to an unmanned Tom Lynch, who finished the game with six, moving to the top of the Coleman race.


Sydney Swans (61) vs Gold Coast Suns (75)

One of the most peculiar hoodoos in football is the one Sydney have against Gold Coast at the SCG, where the Suns have now won four encounters between the two.


Sydney continue to be one of the most confusing sides in the competition this year, after defeating Geelong and coming close to Brisbane, but losing to the Bulldogs and now Gold Coast, and almost being upset by North Melbourne.


Gold Coast, on the other hand, were quite impressive, and led this match from start to finish, even kicking away again in the final term after Sydney levelled the scores at three quarter time.


Levi Casboult might end up being steal of the year, being on track to have a career-best season, and leading the Suns goalkicking in King's absence. Will this finally be the year Gold Coast make the finals? Probably not.


To make matters worse for the Swans, Buddy went off injured late in the game. All in all a pretty depressing day if you're a Swans fan.


GWS Giants (35) vs Geelong Cats (88)

After watching Fremantle defeat Geelong with relentless defensive press and pressure, and putting Adelaide to the sword last week, GWS decided to take a week off, and simply let Geelong do whatever they wanted all game - the only surprising thing being that Geelong didn't win by more.


Missing Davis, GWS lacked key players all over the ground, with Cameron and Hawkins both marking and scoring at will, and Stengle popping up to kick a handy bag also.


GWS Social Media smugly remarked after the first goal was kicked that they weren't sure who (Jeremy Cameron) had kicked it, but unless their fans boo every opposition scoring shot, I'm at least somewhat confident they knew who it was.


One of the more bizarre tactics from GWS was to allow Mitch Duncan to do whatever he wanted. I'm not sure I would have tried it, but then again I'm not a professional AFL coach.


Granted by the end of this year, chances are Leon Cameron won't be either...


Essendon (108) vs Hawthorn (81)

The media loves to make a lot out of the line in the sand match, despite relations between these two traditional rivals being somewhat tepid in recent years.


This year, however, emotions flared up once again, with small brawls breaking out and we saw a memorable finish. Even better for opposition fans, neither of these teams look like threatening in September. A true win-win.


Probably most remarkable about this game was that Hawthorn looked to have it won against an undermanned and underperforming Essendon side, and then just went home in the final term.


With the first goal after half time pushing the margin out to 24 points the Hawks way, they looked to be home, but then Essendon kicked a miraculous string of goals - 10 of the next 12 to be precise, including an eight goal to one final term - to leave the Hawks on the canvas.


Essendon's best player so far this season - COVID - performed admirably again, forcing six changes, including Ridley; which allowed Redman to have a career best game.


Miraculously, Essendon move to 2-6, the same scoreline they started last season with, only to storm home and steal 8th spot on the ladder. Can they do it again? Only time will tell.


Brisbane Lions (105) vs West Coast Eagles (30)

In some ways this game was a loss for Brisbane.


Now I know what your thinking: "how on earth could a 75 point win at home be a loss?"


Well I'll tell you.


West Coast had only recorded 1.1 at half time, managing just one scoring shot per term, and had Brisbane continued such dominance, they would have held on to second spot on the ladder.


However allowing West Coast to kick two goals in the third quarter saw them drop back to third on percentage. Whats that you say? That's completely unimportant in round eight?


You're probably right. The real loser in this game was the sport of Aussie Rules Football.


West Coast really made a mess of the week leading up to this game. Several of their players went to a nightclub where some of the Richmond boys were celebrating Nathan Broad's engagement, and one of them caught COVID. Now was this against the club rules? No, not specifically. Were the players punished for it? Well no, but then yes, but then no, but then yes to the tune of $5000 which was actually not $5000 because it was suspended. Confused? Me too.


Trevor Nisbett this week said Adam Simpson's position as coach was safe, which we all know in football is the kiss of death. At least he has a premiership to show for it.


Melbourne (93) vs St Kilda (55)

The best days at work are the ones where you have an extremely productive morning, finish all of your tasks for the day, and then are able to coast through to knock off time.


That is effectively what Melbourne did here. Their first game for the season against a fellow top 8 side, and they put them to the sword, kicking 9 of the first ten goals.


From there the damage was done, and while St Kilda fought admirably after half time, there was no coming back from a deficit like that, especially when Steven May was keeping the ball off of Max King like a particularly mean sibling.


St Kilda learned they have a lot of work to do if they want to be a contender in September, and Dees fans continue to watch on in stunned silence as their team continues to be the benchmark in the competition for a second straight year.


I can only imagine the catastrophising some fans must be doing about what could go wrong from here after years of torment at the hands of this football club.


Carlton (116) vs Adelaide Crows (68)

This certainly was a game of football that happened.


Two weeks ago, Adelaide were seen by some - particularly Adelaide fans - to be back in finals contention. Oh how football can crush your soul, and quickly.


Carlton, however, needed to prove that they could put lesser sides to the sword, in order to be allowed to hang out with the cool kids, and after doing it to North Melbourne last week, backed it up against Adelaide this week.


The only real highlight of this game if you weren't a Carlton fan, or a fan of racism in sport, was Taylor Walker being booed every time he touched - or in fact went near - the football.


It's nice seeing booing used as a form of anti-racism in the AFL, rather than used as a form of racism itself. A pleasant change. However the pessimist in me thinks that some might be booing not to condemn racism, but simply because they want an excuse to boo.


Carlton, for the first time in a long time, sit in the top four more than a third of the way through the season, which must be giving many Blues fans panic attacks. Turns out having your best players fit makes you a better team. Who knew!

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